Thursday, September 1, 2011

Worst Feeling In The World

Everything happened so fast. The feeling rushed over me like waves crashing against the banks of the harbor. The room started spinning, tears started streaming down my face and that's when I started hyperventilating.......

Earlier that day I tried to keep myself preoccupied (picking out clothes, called ex to see how kids were, etc) as to not have to face the reality that was smacking me square in the face. I was dealing with it the best way that I knew how. As everyone started getting ready, I pulled myself up off the living room floor and headed upstairs to my sister's room to get ready myself. I struggled to put on my clothes. Jeans and a nice shirt shouldn't be that hard to pick out, except for the fact that I was 20 some weeks pregnant and nothing fit anymore and I wasn't "all there" so to speak. I skipped putting on make up. I knew it would just be a waste of time any way. I then straightened my hair to the best of my ability.

I staggered back to the living room, forcing myself to stay on my feet. I plopped myself back down on the floor. Someone had turned the channel to CMT and we were all listening to country music. "If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away" came across the TV and my siblings, my stepfather and my mother all had a moment sitting there, in silence, tears streaming down our faces.

The time is now 3:45pm. I was still sitting in the living room waiting on M to arrive at the house and everyone was getting ready to head to their cars. We needed to be at the funeral home by 4. My mom offered to sit and wait with me until M got there, but I told her just to go ahead and go. As everyone else was walking out the door, M walked into the house. For some reason I couldn't bring myself to get out of the chair I was currently sitting in. Tears started streaming down my face and I wasn't sure how I was going to handle doing any of this.

M and I got into our van and headed into town. I cried the whole way there. As we pulled up to the funeral home, M had to literally force me out of the van. We walked into the doors and I saw my entire family standing there. That's when the heavy breathing started.

I maneuvered my way to the viewing room. Both of my sisters were standing up by the casket. By this time I was crying so extremely hard and loud that I thought I was going to pass out. I couldn't bring myself to walk up to the casket to say my final good bye to my father. I remember my mom holding me, although the conversation she was having with me is a blur. I couldn't move. That's when the room started spinning. I was trying anything possible to compose myself at this point. I didn't feel right and I felt as though I was going to pass out. That's when I started hyperventilating. I managed to bring myself to sit on the couch with M. My head was pounding and my chest was aching. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. Sometime between the heavy breathing, excessive tears and constant ache I was feeling, I controlled myself
long enough to make my way up to look at my father.

I remember looking at him thinking, "How is this possible? How could he have gone so fast?" Just a mere three weeks ago, we were told he had six months or less to live. I wanted those six months. I wanted more time...My chest started aching again. I blame this pain on my heart breaking, not the panic attack. I stood there for the longest time, just staring at him, wishing I could give anything to have him back. I finally kissed him on his head and said my goodbye and headed outside.

The day I had to say my final goodbye to my father was the day I had my first true panic attack. I don't know how to explain it to anyone else, but at the time, I was dealing with the worst feeling I'd ever felt in my whole entire life.


  1. I think you explain it very well actually. I remember when my dad died I had three kids (4,2 and newborn). We lived across the state from mom and dad. I kept running errands and putting in loads of laundry and stuff when we should have been heading out of town. It was if I was trying to "manage" life and make sense and order of things. I also was quite clear that as soon as we got on that highway I had no way to deny that this was all really happening. Then I would have to face the pain.
    I don't know how long this has been for you, but I hope you have found some peace.

  2. Wow. I'm so sorry. Your pain sounds so fresh. I imagined the entire day as you recounted it and I see why that's panic attack inducing.

  3. Made me Cry all over again just reading this, I to was such a mess that day, I was so very worried about you being 20 weeks pregnant on top of this gosh awful broken heart pain you had to get through, and Know that even though it has not been that long ago I still worry about all of you oh so very much, and we all need to hang on to the memories that we all have, plus hold on to each other, and find our own ways to know that he is always watching over us as our own personal ANGEL now!!!! He loved you so very very much notsonormalmommy and please always remember that, he was so proud of u and all ur sibilings!!! I love you so very much!!!! Your Mommy!!!!