So here's an apology in advance if this post seems all over the place or if it makes no sense, but I need to vent today.
I am seriously sitting at a point right now in my life where I feel like a piece of shit. I hate how insecure and completely jealous I am...even when it comes to the smallest shit. I should own up to my own problems, but I blame all of my trust issues on the ex. I hate him so much some days for the way he treated me and the hell he put me through to make me believe that I was worthless. I feel like I am not enough for anybody, nor could I ever be. There is something that I don't offer somebody, so that person will always be looking for something more. I'm fucked up. Thanks ex for making me this way....
You learn what you live??? So I've been told. Well if that's true then I guess I could put some of the blame on my parents...but who does that?!?! Everyone has had a shitty childhood so why place the blame there? My parents were not perfect and I grew up watching a lot of shit that kids my age probably shouldn't watch, let alone even know that kind of stuff goes on...but I did..and I lived through it and it's made me the person I am today....insecure or not.
M struggles with trying to make me feel good about myself. Compliments and all. Some days it helps...some days I feel amazing...other days...like today I feel like I could curl up in a ball and just cry my eyes out. Maybe I should stop living in the past??? I bring up shit that happened umpteen years ago and make myself feel this way, make myself question everything that M and I have. I know he is sick of it. He might not admit to it, but I know he is to the point where he really doesn't know what to do or say anymore.
I've questioned PPD. Is it possible 6 weeks later? Or does it strike you right away? But then I'm in denial....PPD yeah right..I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me. I dont have depression. I'm just miserable because of the way I feel somedays.
Stupid...Stupid...Stupid.......
That is all.
I don't believe for a moment that you're "just fucked up". From what I can tell, you're a great momma & pretty cool person all around. We all feel like shit sometimes... I never feel good enough, myself. But you are stronger than you think... give yourself some credit, girl.
ReplyDeleteAnd as for PPD... I had severe PPD. If you ever need to talk or feel like things are getting out of control or out of whack you can always feel free to hit me up. I may not be able to give a lot of insight, but I can try.
I'll send you my email through twitter later.
I can so relate to this girl you are not just fucked up honey a lot of things shape the way we look and feel about ourselves. My husband cheated 4 years ago and I still have hang ups about it and though he works his ass off to make me feel beautiful and stuff it doesnt work all the time. some days are better than others. It wouldnt hurt to get checked for PPD having a baby and your hormones all out of whack plus having past issues very well could all combine to some really bad shit. I hope you feel better sweetie and for the record i think you are gorgeous <3 ((hugs))
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